Once upon a time there was a princess named Victoria. She lived in a place called Kah-nuh-duh. Though Princess Victoria had many loyal subjects, she was always so terribly lonely. 
She longed for a man to call her own, especially on those cold nights when a blanket wasn’t enough to keep the cold away. :’( To make matters worse for Princess Victoria, the rules of Kah-nuh-duh were very strict, and she could never become queen without a husband.
One day, Princess Victoria was walking through her ginormous backyard (which was really quite large, being ginormous and all), and she found a very pretty toad! When she saw the toad, she went to it and picked it up. Princess Victoria was well-known throughout her kingdom for her love of animals.
When the toad was in her hands, the toad looked up at her with it’s big, round, toad-like eyes, and said “Hello, I’m Sam the Toad.”
“OMFG!!!” cried Victoria, the princes. “YOU CAN TALK!! YOU’RE A FUCKING TOAD, AND YOU CAN TALK!!! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE!?!”
So, the toad (named Sam) told her it’s story of how it was once a very pretty human-person, who was very pretty and very handsome. One day, the toad crossed paths with a very mad witch (mad in the angry sense, not the crazy sense [this witch had just broken up with her lesbian-lover]), and the witch took it’s anger out on the poor human-person, turning said human-person into a toad.
“Oh, what a sad story!” cried Princess Victoria, after the toad had finished it’s tale. “Oh! I bet if I kiss you, you’ll turn back into a human! Am I right? Will you return to your human-form if I kiss you?”
“Well, yes,” answered the toad, “if I’m kissed by another human-person I’ll change bak to a toad, but I should-”
“Okay!” interrupted Princess Victoria, and she planted a big wet one on the toads lips. And sure enough, that toad did turn back into a human, but Princess Victoria was not at all pleased to find this human-person had a purdy dress and a great rack. Though she was very handsome, with her ‘tasche and fuzzy monobrow.
“So,” said Victoria, unpleased with herself. “I’m guessing Sam’s not short for Samwell?”
“No, sorry.” Sam tried to explain, “I tried to tell you, but..”
“No, no, it’s fine. Glad to lend a helping hand, I guess..well, I better be off..”
So Princess Victoria returned to her castle, and Sam the human-person dove into a pond. A horrible rumour was spread that Princess Victoria liked to do the nasty with toads, and she could never get a man for it. Her country, Kah-nuh-duh, was so disappointed in her as a Princess, they had her beheaded, chopped up, and burnt at the stake.
the end
