One day, her and her homïes were chïllïn’ on the hïll, and they heard a strange grumbly sort of noise…

“grumble grumble…grumble grumble…”

“…WTF was that?” whïspered Ash.
“I dunno!” crïed Homïe #2, jumpïng off the front of the car where she had been sïttïng.

“Grumble! Rawr! Imunnaeatchoo!!!”

All of the gïrls jumped at the noïse, and turned 360-degrees to try and fïnd the source of the noïse, but they saw nothïng, except for each other and the car. Then, they realïzed, the car had changed: the sïdes of the bumper had turned slïghtly upwards, and the headlïghts had narrowed, lïke they were eyes belonging to someone who felt awfully cross at the moment.

“Wha’s goïn’ on wït muh car, bïtches?!?!?” crïed Ash, very confuzzled at thïs poïnt. Then, somethïng that made them all the more cunfuzzled: the car smïrked at them, and started roarïng wïth laughter! It opened ït’s bumper-mouth wïde open, and started suckïng.

“WTF!? OMG!! WTF!? OMG!!” the four gïrls crïed ïn unïson. They obvïously had no ïdea what the hell was goïn’ on. Whïle the car was suckïng, they felt a tuggïng on theïr purses, lïke the car was suckïng them ïnsïde! Uh-oh…Now they were srsly confuzzled.

“HAHAHA!!!” roared the car, suckïng to ït’s ïckle heart’s content. That car sucked, and sucked, and sucked some more, tïll all theïr purses were ïn ït’s gïnormous mouth.

“Aw, shïïte.” sïghed Homïe #3, “wat r we 2 doo now???”

“Never fear, PAUL SMÏTH ÏS HERE!!!” crïed a not-so-dïstant voice, then all of a sudden, a man jumped from out of the bushes and tackled Ash’s car. The strange man from behïnd the bushes beat that car, he beat ït lïke there was no tomorrow. He kïcked ït, punched ït, and screamed at ït lïke ït was hïs own naughty lïttle chïld. He beat ït tïll ït crïed, and spït out the young gïrl’s purses. Then he kïcked ït down the hïll, and ït dïed. Then essploded. Then a dove flew out of the bloody carnage. The bïrdïe flew to Paul, Paul held out hïs fïnger, and the bïrdïe landed on hïs fïnger. The bïrdïe gave Paul a lïttle peck on the cheek, and ït seemed as ïf the evil car was tryïng to say “So sorry to trouble you, won’t happen agaïn.” Ash and her homïes aw’d at the adorable sïght, and Paul smïled at the bïrd, then crushed ït between hïs palms.

He wïped hïs hands on a leaf, and left Ash and her homïes on the hïll, shocked and horrïfïed. They never returned to that hïll, and never saw Paul Smïth agaïn.

When the toad was in her hands, the toad looked up at her with it’s big, round, toad-like eyes, and said “Hello, I’m Sam the Toad.”

“OMFG!!!” cried Victoria, the princes. “YOU CAN TALK!! YOU’RE A FUCKING TOAD, AND YOU CAN TALK!!! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE!?!”

So, the toad (named Sam) told her it’s story of how it was once a very pretty human-person, who was very pretty and very handsome. One day, the toad crossed paths with a very mad witch (mad in the angry sense, not the crazy sense [this witch had just broken up with her lesbian-lover]), and the witch took it’s anger out on the poor human-person, turning said human-person into a toad.

“Oh, what a sad story!” cried Princess Victoria, after the toad had finished it’s tale. “Oh! I bet if I kiss you, you’ll turn back into a human! Am I right? Will you return to your human-form if I kiss you?”

“Well, yes,” answered the toad, “if I’m kissed by another human-person I’ll change bak to a toad, but I should-”

“Okay!” interrupted Princess Victoria, and she planted a big wet one on the toads lips. And sure enough, that toad did turn back into a human, but Princess Victoria was not at all pleased to find this human-person had a purdy dress and a great rack. Though she was very handsome, with her ‘tasche and fuzzy monobrow.

“So,” said Victoria, unpleased with herself. “I’m guessing Sam’s not short for Samwell?”

“No, sorry.” Sam tried to explain, “I tried to tell you, but..”

“No, no, it’s fine. Glad to lend a helping hand, I guess..well, I better be off..”

So Princess Victoria returned to her castle, and Sam the human-person dove into a pond. A horrible rumour was spread that Princess Victoria liked to do the nasty with toads, and she could never get a man for it. Her country, Kah-nuh-duh, was so disappointed in her as a Princess, they had her beheaded, chopped up, and burnt at the stake.

the end

“How did you come to be so pretty?” people would ask him.
“I just am.” He would reply.

Lukass was so pretty, he couldn’t walk down the street. Because when he did, all the girls would scream: “OH MY GOD!!! HE’S TOO PRETTY!!! MY EYES!!! THEY’RE BURNING!!!!” and then their eyes would melt out of their sockets and the messy eye goop would drip to the ground.
Lukass had a friend named Tom. This story is about Tom, not Lukass. I just like talking about how pretty Lukass is. Because he is. VERY. PRETTY.

Anyhoo.

Tom was a pretty grown-up man, just like Lukass. But poor Tom, no matter how pretty he was, he couldn’t get a girlfriend. Any time he would talk to a girl, they wouldn’t believe how pretty he was. They couldn’t see for themselves because they had no eyes. Lukass had melted them all. All they had was a goopy, liquid mess at the bottom of their feet, and they couldn’t see very well with that. Plus, even if they had eyes left, they’d be too busy staring at Lukass to even give Tom the time of day.

Tom was very sad & very lonely for a very long time. Until one day, he talked to his friend, Archis.

“Archis?” Tom asked, “I’m very sad & lonely. What should I do?”
“Well,” replied Archis, “You should visit Barry the Wizard!”
“Who-rry the Wha-zard?” asked Tom.
“Barry! You know! That guy!”
“Oh, yes, him! But how will that help?”
“It’s what I did when I was lonely! He helped me out a lot! But luckily, I didn’t need his help for much longer, because I found Adrian, the love of my life! She’s really the bees knees! Now we raise bunnies together.”
“Annie?”
“Adrian.”
“Analyse?”
“A-dri-an.”
“Annabelle?”
“Adrien?”
“ADRIAN.”
“Adrianne?”
“Eh-dee-are-eye-eh-ennnnn. ADRIAN.”
“…Phil?”
“EH-DREE-AN. ADRIAN ADRIAN ADRIAN.”
“Adrian?”
“Yes!”
“Adrian! Oh, that’s a neat name! If I ever have a daughter, I’m naming her Adrian! Because it’s a GIRL’s name. Not a boy’s.”

With that, Tom was off! But, unfortunately, he didn’t know where this ‘Barry’ fellow lived. So, he called another friend, Duncan.

“Duncan?” Asked Tom, “Where does Barry the Wizard live?”
“Who-rry the Wha-zard?” asked Duncan.
“You know! That guy!”
“Oh, yes. Him. He lives in London. Some place that begins with an F. Maybe Finchley?”
“Thanks!”
“But he’s not there now.”
“Oh…Where is he now, then?”
“Oh, uhmm…Antarctica? Yes, Antarctica! That’s it!”
“What’s a wizard doing in a frozen desert?!”
“I think he likes penguins…”
“All right. I’m off to Antarctica, then!”
“Why’re you going to Antarctica?”
“Because I’m lonely!”
“You think the penguins will keep you company?”
“No! I’m going to go see Barry!”
“Oh…Why?”
“Because I’m lonely!”
“How’s Barry going to help you?”
“I don’t know! But Archis told me to go see him. He said when he was lonely, he talked to Barry, and Barry helped him out.”
“Oh, yes I remember that…But then he found Adrien, right? She’s got such a cool name! A cool GIRL’s name, not a boy’s!”
“Actually it’s ‘Adrian’.”

And Tom was off! Again!

But Tom had no idea how to get to Antarctica (or where it was) so he talked to yet another friend. This time it was that pretty grown-up man from the beginning of the story. Lukas! But when Tom went to talk to Lukass, Lukass was very busy.

Some girls had been trying to spy on him (who didn’t know about the eye goop business). Lukass had seen them spying through the bushes, and decided it would be nice to have some girls over (because he’s a filthy whore). Lukass called for them to come inside, which of course they did, but when they saw Lukas in person, their eyes got very goopey and fell out of their eye-sockets. Lukass was very upset about this, since he had just gotten new carpet. But the girls didn’t seem to mind, they were squealing with delight from seeing Lukass. They thought the blindng pain in their eyes was just temporary, that they were just shocked at seeing him in person.
When Tom came over, Lukass was in the middle of calling the carpet cleaners. He had kicked the girls out for making such a mess and threw the eye goop out with them. The cleaners, though, were very rude and said they couldn’t help at all because they were in a bad mood since they’re wives weren’t gettin’ all sexy with ‘em.
Tom told Lukass about his predicament and asked if he could help out at all. Lukass said he would get Tom a plane ticket to Antarctica if Tom would help Lukass clean up when he got back. So, Tom promised he would, and Lukass got Tom a plane ticket.

Tom was very happy when he got on his plane. He slept a while, and then woke up. When they got to Antarctica, though, Tom was very surprised, seeing as there was no airport in Antarctica.
Instead of landing, the pilot just lowered the plane and Tom was roughly thrown off. And once Tom got off, he realized how cold it was, and wished he brought a warmer jacket, or any jacket at all. He was wearing a short-sleeved shirt, like he always did, because he’s a silly goof.

This all came as a complete surprise to Tom, so he didn’t know what to do. He decided to just walk around for a while, which he did well. He was wandering around when he saw some penguins swimming in a little hole, trying to catch some fish. He thought that the penguins looked very warm & un-lonely in their feathers & playing with their other penguin buddies. This made him very sad, so he started to cry. The penguins stopped playing when they noticed a pretty pale boy crying at them, and went over to him to see what was wrong.

“What’s wrong?” asked a penguin with a black spot under his eye (from now on we’ll refer to this character as “Spotty” so as not to get him confused with the other penguins).
“I’m so lonely! You penguins look so happy…So warm & happy! Together! I’m so cold & lonely! Hold me!” Cried Tom, falling into Spotty’s flipper-like arm things.
“Oh, there, there! Poor pretty pale boy!” Wailed the penguins.
“What’s your name?” Asked Spotty, with a sincerely worried look on his face, while he rubbed Tom’s head.
“Tom.” replied Tom, in between sobs.
“Well, Tom!” said Spotty, “You can hang out with us for a while, if you like!”
“Really?” Tom asked, looking up through red eyes & tear-stained cheeks.
“Sure!” Replied Spotty.

So, Tom wiped his face, & the penguins showed him where they lived. The penguins lived on the bottom of a medium-sized hill a little ways away from the hole where Tom had spotted them swimming. There were lots & lots & lots of other penguins there, and they were all ecstatic to see Tom. The penguins asked Tom lots & lots of very interesting questions about where he came from and things he liked and a whole bunch of other things that are really very boring.

That night, the penguins held a great feast in honor of their new guest. They had lots of non-fish meat products, which Tom thought was strange.

“That’s weird!” Tom told Spotty, “I didn’t know penguins ate things besides fish & ice!”
“Oh, well, er…” replied Spotty, “it’s…Seal! Yes, seal! Eat them before they eat you, I always say!”
“Oh, well that makes sense, I guess!” Tom said, still a little confused. But he didn’t mind, because it was DEE-LISH-ISE!

Later that night, when the feast was over and most of the penguins were asleep, Spotty had a talk with Tom.
“Thanks for inviting me, Spotty! I’ve had a really good time.” Said Tom to the penguin.
“Oh, I’m glad!” replied Spotty. “We’ve enjoyed having you here! Will you be staying for much longer?”
“I don’t think so. I should really be on my way! Got lots of things to do.”
“Oh, really? But you will stay at least a few more nights, won’t you?”
“Well…I don’t know, I really should go…But oh well! I can stay! I’m having fun here!”
“Oh, good! But I must warn you, there’s a scary man that lives around here, at the bottom of the other end of this hill. He comes out at night and kidnaps penguins!”
“Oh, no!”
“Yeah, I know! He torments us…It’s horrible! And after he takes the penguin, he EATS them!”
“Ewwww!!!! Gross!!”
“Yeah, yeah, I know! But nobody knows what he looks like! So we can’t really watch out for him…All we know is how his hair is styled.”
“…How’s it styled?”
“It’s fashioned into a comb over, parted on his left…And he’s got a little curl on his right side.”
“..A little curl?”
“Yes, on his right side.”
“Like…his fringe curls to the side?”
“No, no! It’s right above his ear…It curls up and away from his ear.”
“Oh my God, I can’t believe it! That’s insane! What a freak!”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know! We call him, ‘The Curl of DOOOOOOOOM’ so, watch out for him! Because you never know where he is…”
“Er, okay…”
“Well, goodnight!” Spotty said cheerily.
“Goodnight.” Tom was terrified out of his mind now, but that didn’t stop him from falling asleep the second his head hit the pillow. he was completely tuckered out! He’d had a very busy day.
While Tom was busily sleeping, dreaming about blonde balloons floating away from him, when he was awoken by somebody whispering his name…
“…Tom…” The voice whispered.
“Huh?” said Tom, waking up from his deep slumber and starting to stand, “What?”
“…Tom…” the voice whispered again.
“…What?” Tom whispered back.
“…Come here…” Answered the voice.
“…Who are you? Is this God? You sure sound pretty girly for a God.”
“NO I am not God. Will you PLEASE just come here?”
“…Where’s here?” Asked Tom, still whispering.
“…On top of the hill…” said the voice. The voice had a tone where you could tell it was starting to get annoyed. Tom was a very annoying creature.
“…But I’m tired! I don’t want to walk all the way up that big hill!” Tom said with a shrill, whiney voice.
“Just do it! God, you’re so annoying!” The voice yelled, quite annoyed by now.
“But I don’t want to! Can’t you come down here?”
“You now what, just forget it! You’re too annoying! Don’t come up here! I hate you!” The voice answered, hoping Tom couldn’t resist doing what he was told not to.
But the voice was wrong, Tom could resist it.
“All right.” Answered Tom, lying back down.
“No, no! I’m sorry! Please come up here!” Pleaded the voice.
“Alright, fine, I’m coming…” Tom said, getting up and making his way towards the hill.
Tom made his way up the hill, forgetting what Spotty had told him about the man on the other side of the hill, because besides being very annoying, he was quite stupid.
When he got up there, he looked around. Not seeing anyone or anything, he decided to say something.
“…Hello? I’m here. Now what?” He said, still whispering.
“You can stop whispering now, you twit.” Answered the voice, coming from behind him. Tom turned around to find a man in a very cute sailor shirt and blazer and neat trousers, holding a teddy bear with a little curl. A man, who also had a curl! But Tom, being the thick annoying twit that he was, didn’t realise who he was looking at.
“..Yes?” Tom asked, looking confused. “What do you want?”
“…Don’t you know who I am?” Said the man
“…No?”
“…They haven’t told you about me? The not-so-little black & white people usually warn them by now…”
“Uhmm..The who?”
“No, not the band…The little people down there at the bottom of the hill.”
“Oh, you mean the penguins!”
“Oh, is that what they call themselves these days? Clever bastards…”
“Uhm, I think I remember a warning about something…some guy with a curl, or something.”
And then Tom noticed The Curl’s curl.
“Oh, you’re him!! No wonder! You’re not so scary-looking. Your hair’s even kind of cute!”
“Oh, thanks!” Replied the evil Curl. “I really like it, too. I really like how its curling today.” He said, wrapping a finger around his curl.
“How do you get it like that? Its really cool, I really like it!”
“Well, I use hair spray and a curling iron, it takes a really long time, some days…But enough about my hair! I must warn you!”
“Warn me about what?”
“The not-so-little black & white people!”
“What? What’s wrong with them? They’re my friends!”
“They’re not your friends! They’re evil! EEVVIILL!!”
“Evil? No, they’re my friends! I was lonely before I met them! They make me unlonely!”
“They’re bad, bad, evil, not-so-little black & white people!”
“No, they’re not!”
Then Tom picked up some snow and started to throw it at the curl.
“What’re you doing?!? I’m trying to help you and you’re throwing snow at me!” Cried the curl, ducking and dodging through the flying snow.
“No! The penguins are my friends! Go Away! Leave me alone!”
“No, they’re bad! They ate my brother, I tell you! They did!”
“They what?!? Puh-leese! That’s insane! Like a penguin would eat a person! That’s just gross!”
Then Tom threw some more snow at The Curl and ran down the hill, back towards the penguins.
When he got back down, the penguins had almost all gotten up. Some had been woken up by all the noise Tom & The Curl had made, and others because the sun had just come up and it came naturally to the penguins to get up with the sun.
Spotty came up to talk to Tom and see what had happened.
“What’s going on?” Spotty asked Tom.
“Well, I was sleeping, and then this voice woke me up! It told me to go up the hill, so I did! And then The Curl was there!”
“Oh no! What happened next?”
“Well, he started telling me this crazy stuff about how you guys ate his brother! So I threw snow at him and ran back down here.”
“We ate who? Please! Like we’d eat people! That’s even yuckier than eating a penguin! Gross!”
“Yeah, that’s what I said!”
“Well, anyhoo…Let’s talk about lighter subjects!”
“Oh-kay!”
“Have I told you about our spa?”
“A spa? No way!”
“Yes way! It’s a spa for special guests, just like you!”
“Oh cool! Where is it?!?”
“Well, follow me and I’ll show you!”
So Tom followed the penguin to the spa. The spa was made out of snow, not surprisingly. It was like a little Eskimo’s home. An igloo! That’s what it was like. The entrance hole was barely big enough for Tom to fit through, but he squeezed his way in. Once inside, he saw a giant pot filled with boiling water.
“What’s that?” Tom asked.
“It’s…a massaging bath, of course! The warmth of the water is very massaging.” answered Spotty.
“Oh, neat!” exclaimed Tom, very excited.
“Well, just get your clothes off and jump in!” said Spotty, walking over to the giant pot to check the temperature of the water.
“All right!” cried Tom with a jubilant face, ripping his clothes off. After his clothes were torn off, he jumped into the pot like Spotty had suggested.
“Oh! It’s very hot!” complained Tom, sitting down in the pot. “It feels like I’m being cooked!”
“What?!? Being cooked?!? That’s a silly thought! Why would we cook you???!!! We’re not people-eaters!”
“Calm down! I was only joking!”
“Oh…al’right. Just enjoy your bath while I go get the vegetables- I mean soothing bathing materials!” Spotty said, leaving the snow-made spa.
“Alright…Oh, look! A rubber duckie! I love these!” He said, picking up the squeezie toy and playing with it.
Tom was busily enjoying his newfound toy, when he heard a noise from outside.
“Eek! Egads!” He could hear other penguins crying, “What’s he doing here??? Oh no!!!”
All of a sudden, a man scrambled into the spa.
“Oh, geez!!!” cried Tom, jumping up and making water fly around everywhere, but still holding onto his new rubber duckie.
“Finally! I found you!” cried the man, trying to get up. While he was getting up, Tom saw his hair and realized who it was.
“Oh geez, it’s you!” He cried to The Curl. “Why can’t you just leave me alone? I told you, these are my friends!”
“They’re not you’re friends! They’re trying to eat you! Why don’t you believe me?!?” cried the Curl back at Tom.
“Why would they eat me? They only eat seals! Spotty told me that they don’t eat people because that’s just plain gross!”
“Spotty? Who’s that?”
“The one with the spot under his eye.”
“He’s their leader! I’m telling you the truth, the not-so-little black & white people ARE GOING TO EAT YOU!”
“Liar!”
“Why do you think you’re in a giant pot full of boiling hot? Hmm? Do you think it’s some type of SPA or something?”
“…Well, yeah, Spotty told me it was a spa…”
“And you believed him?”
“Well…yeah. Why wouldnt I?”
“Please, you really can’t be this stupid…You do realise that the penguins are cooking you, don’t you?”
“What? But…I…”
But before Tom had time to finish his thought, there were loud noises from outside, a few bloodcurdling screams, and a polar bear rushed in.
“Thank goodness!” yelled the polar bear, “I found you two before the penguins could eat you!”
“Who are you?” cried The Curl.
“I’m just your friendly neighbourhood polar bear, here to protect you from the evil penguins. Come on, we have to get out of here! Climb on my back!”
So, Paul jumped on top of the giant bear. Tom was still sitting in the pot, dumbstruck, so the bear grabbed him and carried him off. Tom dropped his new duckie in the pot, and said, sad and quietly “Bye, Mr. Duckie. Remember me fondly!”
The bear made his way out of the igloo. Luckily all the penguins had been scared off by the enormous beast, who ran for dear life, until they were far, far away from the penguins camp. When they were far enough away, the bear set the two boys done, and realised just how clothesless Tom was.

“…Aren’t you cold?” asked the bear to Tom.
“What?..Oh, yes, actually, I am…” Then Tom realised how clothesless and freezing cold he was, and started shivering he was standing naked in the Arctic.
“Well, here…” said the bear, pulling out a giant white fur coat out of his fur and handed it to Tom.
“Thanks…” said Tom, pullling the coat over his shameful naked body.
“Hey! Have you got any hair-styling supplies in there? My curl is feeling a bit limp at the moment.”
“Sure..” said the bear, digging in his fur for blow-dryers, curling irons, hair-spray and hair gel, and handing it all to the Curl. “There’s a frozen water-hole waaaaaayy over there, I bet you could see your reflection in that.”
“Oh, thanks!” with that, the Curl ran off to the water-hole.
“Tom, can you keep a secret? I need help with a little problem I’ve got.” asked the bear.
“Sure, what do you need?”
“Well, you see…” then the bear pulled down what seemed to be a zipper down the back of his head, to the bottom of his feet. The polar bear fur fell off him, and revealed a man in a purple robe with silver stars on it, and a pointy hat to match. The man looked strange, sort of like a cross between a badger and the Queen of England. He also had a magic wand a yellow magic wand that made a noise like it was humming to itself.
“I’m really not a polar bear.”
“WOAH!” Tom yelled, jumping back, ‘Who are you?!?”
“Don’t worry! I’m a friend! I’m Barry, the Wizard.”
“BARRY THE WIZARD!!!!! You’re the reason I came to Antarctica!!!!”
“..Really, what did you want with me?”
So, Tom explained his lonely predicament to Barry.
“Well, let’s make a deal. I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine, alright?” asked Barry.
“Sure.” answered Tom. “What is it you need?”
“Well, first, you know the Curl’s real name? It’s Paul.”
“Paul? What a dorky name.”
“..Anyhoo..Did Paul mention a brother of his?”
“Oh, yeah! He got eaten by the penguins! Tragic, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, well, you see..he didn’t really get eaten by the penguins. I’m the Curl’s brother.”
“Oh, wow! Won’t Paul be shocked to find that out!”
“No, NO! You can’t tell him! See, this’ll be your end of the bargain.”
“What, not telling Paul you’re his brother?”
“Well, yes and no. You see, my brother and I used to live here, in Antarctica, together. He lived with me and I took care of him because, you see, he’s a bit crazy. (Tom chipped in: “Oh, yes, I noticed”) Well, not just a bit, a lot crazy. He’s a madman. Insanely insane. I would have to watch him night and day, make sure he didn’t scare or threaten any innocent citizens. But eventually, I got completely sick of him. Who wouldn’t? I just couldn’t stand him any longer! I just had to get out. So, one day I left him a note, saying I had been kidnapped and eaten by the penguins, and never looked back. I moved to Finchley and lived there for a while. And, although I love Finchley dearly, Antarctica’s my home, and I missed it. So, I decided to move back here. But you see, I can’t, as Paul still lives in my house. And I know what you’re thinking, just get a new house! But that house is my house. And, seeing as this is Antarctica, it’d be pretty difficult to just find another house. Maybe an igloo, but those things are cold! And I’m no eskimo! And I could hardly stand living here knowing that at any moment I could run into that psychopath.”
“But wait…does that mean I wouldn’t have really gotten eaten by the penguins?”
“Oh, I have no doubt in my mind that the penguins would’ve eaten you. They’re ferocious man-eaters!”
“Ahh…So, what do you want me to do?”
“I want you to take Paul back to wherever you came from with you. Keep him occupied somehow, you know, try and make him less crazy. He likes to write! Try and keep him occupied with that! he loves to sing, as well! He’s always dreamed of being a singer, why not bring him to karaoke night at the local pub or something?”
“All right, I think I’ve actually got something in mind…Paul and I will have lots of fun together!”
“Oh, thank God! You’ve got no idea what sort of relief this is to me! Thank you thank you THANK YOU.”
“Oh, no problem. Now, for your end of the deal?”
“Oh, right. Here…” he said, putting his hand in the bear suit and rummaging around, and finally pulling something plastic and blonde out and handing it to Tom.
“What’s this?” asked Tom quizzically.
“Blow it up and see!”
“Blow it up?…Oh!” Tom exclaimed, finding the hole. Tom blew and blew and blew and blew and blew and blew until his new toy was full of air. “…Is this..what -?..is it..?”
“It’s a blow-up doll!” exclaimed Barry
“Well, this isn’t exactly what I had in mind…”
“What did you have in mind, then?? Come on! This’ll work great! You’ll be gettin’ laid every night! Sort of…so you’ll be less desperate to get laid, and the chicks dig that! It worked for Archis, didn’t it?”
“Well, I guess that makes sense..All right, we’ll try it your way!” Tom said excitedly.
“All right, well thanks for everything.” Said Barry, “I better get going before Paul comes back. See you around, Tom. And thanks again. Oh, and one last thing! I you need anything else, just check the fur.”
“Okay! Thanks Barry! Bye!” Tom yelled, waving like a maniac
Barry ran a few yards away, and then ran back to Tom.
“Oh, and Tom?”
“Yeah, boss?”
“You didn’t eat anything while you were there, did you? Because you know…I think it’s a strictly-human diet”
“Oh, don’t worry, I didn’t eat any human. Only seal!”
“Oh…Oh God…Well, er, goodbye now.” and with that, he ran far, far away, as fast as he could.
When Barry was out of distance, Tom sat down to admire his new plastic friend. “Hmm…What shall I call you?” He said to his doll. “What do you look like to me…I know! A Betty! You look like a Betty! Hey, Betty, how’s it goin’?” Tom looked the doll up and down, starting to like this idea of Barry’s, and said to her: “Are you tired? ‘Cos you’ve been runnin’ through my mind all day long. You’ve been running, though, because I’ve been chasing you with a chainsaw!” and many other wonderfully cheesy pick-up lines. But I guess Betty liked that sort of thing, ‘cos they were gettin’ busy in no time.

When Paul finally got back from fixing his hair, he found Tom smoking a cigarette and patting his right pocket where he had placed his new plastic love.
“Where’d the bear go?” asked Paul.
“Oh, he had to get home. His wife’s very picky about how late he stays out.”
“Oh, all right. So, what now?”
“How’d you like to come back to the Castle of New with me?”
“Really?!”
“Yes, really! It’d be fun, don’t you think?”
“Well, I don’t know…there’s lots of work to be done here, protecting innocent people from penguins and such.”
“Well, I think the polar bears have that under control, don’t you?”
“Well, I guess…but I don’t know.”
“Did I tell you I’ve got a band? We’re looking for a singer.”
“Oh, really!?!?!?! That’s always been my dream! Of course I’ll go with you! Just one queston: How do we get there?”
“Oh, well…” Tom was dumbfounded, he had no idea how to get home. Then he remembered what Barry had told him about the fur, and stuffed his hand down in it, and pulled out a magic carpet!
“Oh, neat!” the boys cried excitedly in unison: “A magic carpet!”
They knew it was a magic carpet because of the stamp on it saying “MAGIC CARPET : MHRA APPROVED” but why would it need to be MHRA approved, you ask? Don’t ask me, I’m not the one that makes the laws on magic carpets.
Tom and Paul eagerly jumped on the carpet, but were dissappointed when it just sat there, very unmagic-like.
“…How do we make it move, I wonder?” pondered Paul.
“Maybe if we tell it where to go?” said Tom. “The Castle of New!” But the carpet didn’t flinch.
“But, what I wonder more is where did that fur come from?”
“Er…well..you see…polar bears shed!”
“Oh! I guess that makes sense…Hmm…maybe if we said ‘please’!” said Paul, and with that the carpet sped offtowards the Castle of New, faster than a speeding bullet, faster than Superman!
When they did get to Newcastle, Tom called a bandmeeting at Lukass’s house. Tom and Paul got there first, and Tom introduced Lukas to Paul, and vice versa.
“So, have you gotten the cleaners to come yet?” Tom asked Lukas.
“No! They’re still not gettin’ any sexiness with their wives! I’m so upset about this! If only there was some way I could sexually please them without actually having to do anything so as to get them to clean my new carpets…” said Lukass.
“Wait!” exclaimed Tom, pulling Betty out of his pocket, “I’ve got an idea! I could let the cleaners borrow my new friend!”
“Tom, you’re brilliant!” cried Lukass, hugging Tom tightly.
And so, the cleaners were called and pleased. Archis and Duncan came and met Paul. They all agreed to let him join, and they became the lovely Maxeemo Park.

THE END

Maxïmo Park had five members, Tom, the drummist, Archis, the bassist, Lukas, the keyboardist, Duncan, the guitarist, and Paul, the singist. Lukas was an expert at Karate, Duncan in chess, Tom in blowing up blow-up dolls, Paul in jumping really high and kicking in the air, but Archis, he wasn’t very good at anything, excpet rocking out on the bass guitar.

Maxïmo Park wanted to be signed to Han’s label so badly, that they decided to take the risk on the dangerous adventure and go to the tower to rescue Han! Before going, the band decided to consult their good friend, Barry the Wizard (who was also Paul’s brother). Barry told them that the best way to get through the castle was to distract the dragon at the front of the castle, while running through the castle in the back. With their helpful information from Barry, they left for their adventure!

The band had to take an aeroplane to Milton Keynes, since it was very far away from were they lived. Once they got off the aeroplane, it was a short walk to the castle. A deep, blue moat surrounded the castle, with a bridge over it and a sliding-glass door. As they walked towards the bridge, they could see burnt corpses thrown about all over. They were quite disgusted by it and wanted to leave, but they kept going! They got to the bridge, but there was still no sign of the dragon. They talked it over, and decided Tom, Archis, and Duncan, would distract the dragon, while Paul and Lukas saved Han.

Tom, Archis and Duncan walked across the bridge, up to the glass door, while Lukas and Paul ran around to the back of the castle. When the three of them got to the door, Tom knocked, and it was immediately opened by the dragon. When they saw the dragon, they were horrified! They’d never seen such a horrible, disgusting creature in their entire lives! It was so disgusting, that I can’t describe it to you, because you might have a heart attack from the mere image in your head. The only thing I can safely tell you is that he had cute little black glasses, in a sort of rectangular shape. A bit like Buddy Holly, but smaller. At first, they didn’t know what to do. The dragon stood there, staring at the three like they were out of their minds. Eventually, Duncan said “Are you the dragon that guards this castle?”

The dragon replied: “DUH. Do you SEE any other dragons around here?”
“Uhmm… Good point.” Said Duncan, “But I came here to do something!”
“What?”
“I challenge you to a game of chess!”
“Chess?”
“Yes.”
“No.”
“Oh, please? with sugar and cherries on top?” Duncan begged, getting on his knees.
“Will you leave if I do?” asked the dragon.
“Sure!” said Duncan, bouncing back up.

So, the dragon went inside to get a table, chairs and a chessboard, and brought them outside, and they started their game of Chess. Duncan black, the dragon white.

Meanwhile, Lukas and Paul were having a hard time trying to get through the castle in the back, when there was no door, and the only window was too far up to climb through.

“What are we going to do?” asked Lukas.
“Well how am I supposed to know?” asked Paul, shrugging his shoulders.
“There’s no way in!” cried Lukas, “We’re going to be stuck out here, and then the dragon will come and eat us! I don’t want to be dragon food, Paul!”
“Calm down, you fool!” yelled Paul, slapping Lukas across the face.
“I’m sorry.” said Lukas, slightly ashamed and red in the face.
All of a sudden, they heard a voice coming from above…
“What the fuck are you two doing?!” the voice yelled.
“What?” said Paul.
“Where’s that coming from?” asked Lukas.
All of a sudden a shoe fell on top of Lukas’ head.
“What in the Heavens was that?!?” exclaimed Lukas.
“Up here, you wankholes!” cried the voice from above. Then, Lukas and Paul looked up, only to see the magnificent Han’s face, popping out of the window.
“What the Hell are you two waiting for? Come and rescue me!” screamed Han.
“But we can’t!” Lukas pointed out, “There’s no way to get up!”
“Here,” Han said, flinging her hair out the window, “climb up this!”
“Oh, um..Alright.” Said Paul, with a confused look on his face. “So, how’s this going to work?”
“If you put your foot here, on the wall, and pull up with your arms…” Replied Lukas.
“Here?”
“No, no, that’s making it worse…Hee-rr-ee…” Lukas said, moving Paul’s foot around.
“No, Lukas! My foot won’t bend that way!”
“Yes it will! You just have to apply some pressure to this spot…”
“OW! NO! MY FOOT DOES NOT BEND LIKE THAT.”
“Oh, no, it doesn’t, sorry about that! But if you put it here…”
“NO. Stay AWAY from the feet. I’ll get up myself, thanks.”

Lukas and Paul then proceeded to climb up Han’s long brown hair, which was quite painful for Han, and she yelled many obscene things which my mommy doesn’t allow me to say. Eventually they made it up, but once up, were given another problem. How do they get back down? But just then, they looked down the window at the ground, and Tom was there.

“Tom!” Paul yelled, “What’re you doing? You’re supposed to be distracting the dragon!”
“I know! Duncan’s distracting him with a game of chess. While Archis sits there. And watches.”
“Well, we’re kind of stuck up here. Any ideas on how to get us down?”
“Yeah! I’ve got one in my pocket!” Tom said, pulling a folded-up blow-up doll out of his pocket.
“Tom, NO! Now is NOT the time for THAT! PUT IT AWAY.”
“Shush, Paul!” Tom said, starting to blow up the doll. After the doll was all blown-up, Tom yelled up to them: “Jump onto the doll! She’ll cushion your fall!”
“Oh, Tom, you’re brilliant, you’re looking very beautiful to me at the moment! But remember, it’s not a ‘she’. It’s an inanimate object.” cried Paul.
“Oh, it’s a she. Trust me.” stated Tom.
“What’d he do?” asked Han, poking her head out the window, “Oh fuck,” she sighed, seeing Tom’s doll.
“Jump on down!” yelled Tom.
“Do I really have to?” asked Han, turning to Paul, “I don’t know where that thing’s been! Well, actually, I do, and that’s what frigthens me…”
“Well, you can go down, or stay here.” replied Paul.
“Oooh…” Han took a deep breathe, and jumped out the window!
“UUUeeAArrrggGgHHhhhhhhh!!!!!” squealed Han as she fell from the sky. She landed on the doll with a hard ‘thud’, right were the naughty bits would be. But luckily it didn’t hurt too much.
“Oh, God, that was disgusting.” said Han, jumping off the doll as fast as her legs would take her.
“Im sorry.” Tom immediately replied, with a shameful look upon his face.
“Oh, you should be. Stay that way.”
“Well, umm…Paul! You can come down now! Please!”
“Coming!” yelled down Paul. “OOooff!” he grunted, falling out the window.
“Al’right, now just Lukas!” said Tom.
“Yes…just…Lukas…” Paul said, struggling to climb out of the giant doll’s cleavage. “He should…be..on his..way..now…OOooff!” He grunted, finally escaping the giant doll’s bosom.
“Look! There’s Lukas now!” And with a thud, he landed by Paul, on the doll’s head.
“Oh, my poor doll…” Said Tom, with a look like he was about to cry. His doll had become very flattened with everyone jumping on it, and had acquired a few holes where you could hear the air seeping through, making a soft whistle. Tom wrapped his arms around the giant doll, and held it close until it flattened all the way down…After this, Han hit poor Tommie hard on his ickle arm and said some mean, nasty words to him that no one aprpeciated but her.

Everyone got up and dusted themselves off, when suddenly Duncan came running up.

“Duncan! What are you doing?” asked Lukas, “You’re supposed to be distracting the dragon! Where’s Archis?”
“Calm down, Lukas! There’s nothing to worry about!” replied Duncan.
“Where’s the dragon then?”
“With Archis.”
“Archis?!”
“Yeah.”
“He’ll eat Archis! What’s wrong with you!?”
“Oh no, don’t worry. I beat the dragon at chess, then he got very upset, and noticed Archis sitting there, so he started chasing him.”
“How long do you think that’ll last?” asked Paul.
“Oh, a while. Archis may look like a very slow sloth, but he’s quick as a bunny.”
“Al’right, should we go then?” asked Tom.
“Well, I don’t know…” said Paul, “I didn’t really think that far ahead…”
“Oh, you idiots.” stated Han. “You didn’t think about this at all, did you?”
“Well, when I asked Barry,” said Paul, “he only told us to distract the dragon…”
“Well, let’s just go then, I guess.” said Tom.
“What, and try to get past the dragon?” asked Lukas.
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Well, that’s a brilliant idea…”
“Al’right, let me just gather up Betty…”
“What? Who?” asked Han.
“Betty!” squealed Tom, grabbing his deflated doll.
“Oh, you fucking mental, you’ve got to be kidding me…” sighed Han. “You can’t be serious?”
“Of course I’m serious! I have to take Betty! She’s my true love! I couldn’t leave her here for the dragon to eat! Do you know how much I’ve been through with her?!”
“Yes, and that’s the problem…” han gave a good long sigh. “…couldn’t you just get another one?” pleaded Han.
“Another one!?! Tom was outraged at the mere thought! “Oh, sure, I al’ready have tons of other ones! I even keep spares in my other pocket just in case!” cried Tom, “But this is Betty! I could never just leave her! She’s my true love!”

Han, realising that Tom wasn’t leaving without Betty, replied: “Oh…Christ, hurry up.”

So Tom, with a jubilant face, gently folded up Betty and stored her in his right pocket.
“All right, I’m ready to go!” He said delightedly.
“So we’re just going to walk by the dragon? What about Archis?” asked Lukas.
“Well, he can run, can’t he? He’ll catch up. Or maybe the dragon’s already eaten him! Ha-haha…” replied Han.

So, the gang started ’round the castle again. It took quite a lot longer than it should have taken, though; every so often, Tom would make everyone stop so he could let Betty out of his pockets to let her breathe. Whenever he did this, Han would throw a fit until he put Betty away. And Paul, well he found the walk quite boring, so did something to amuse himself. He stopped, pointed to the sky and yelled:
“Look! It’s the dragon!”

Han, though, did not find this at all funny and kicked and screamed a lot in Paul’s ear.

Eventually, they got to the front of the place. When they did, they saw Archis, running around in a circle, like a dog chasing his tail.
“What the Hell is he doing?” asked Han loudly.
“Uhmm…that’s a good question” Duncan looked right confuzzled, as well as did the others!
“Archis!” yelled Paul, “What are you doing?”
“What does it look like?” yelled back Archis, “I’m trying to run away from the dragon!”
“You do realize there’s no dragon, don’t you?” asked Han.
“There…really?” asked Archis, looking behind him. Seeing no dragon chasing after him, he plopped down on the ground, exhausted.
“Well, I guess everything worked out ust fine!” said Paul, “We can just leave! No dragon to run past! Just leave!”
“Oh, I wouldn’t be too sure of that,” said the dragon, walking out the sliding glass, making sure to close it behind him so no bugs would get inside his beautiful home.
“Oh, shit!” cried Tom and Duncan in unison.
“Oh! Paul! Come on! We can beat him! Come on!” squealed Lukass.
“Oh, yes! Al’right, let’s go!” replied Paul.

So, Lukas and Paul started attacking the dragon. Lukas, using his excellent robotic-like karate-chopping skills, and Paul, using his amazing ability to jump very very high and kick even higher.

The , except a little bot of a tickle which he almost gigled at. But they kept jumping and kicking and karate-chopping. Tom, Duncan and Han acted as cheerleaders, and screamed & cheered for Paul and Lukas, but the dragon just sat there, taking it all in, waiting for them to get tired and sighing of boredom after a minute or two.

Archis could see that they were getting tired. He could tell because Paul’s jumps and kicks were not quite as high, and when Lukas yelped as he chopped, he wasn’t nearly as loud or animated as before. So, he decided to help.

All of a sudden, the gang got quiet. Tom, Duncan and Han’s cheers had dyed down, Paul & Lukas’s jumps, kicks, chops and yelps had stopped, and the dragon had turned towards Archis, who was now playing his beautiful Thunderbird. Archis was playing a Maxïmo Park song called ‘I Want You to Stay’, and rockin’ out like there was no tomorrow.

The dragon was astounded by Archis’ ability to rock out so gosh darn hard while yet acting playing with such grace and beauty. He was so amazed, he didn’t know what to do. So, he rolled over onto his back like a dog.

Paul, Lukas, Han, Tom & Duncan were all very surprised by the dragon’s reaction to Archis’s amazing guitar playing. What they didn’t know, though, was that bass-playing was the dragon’s only weakness. Archis knew this, though, because Barry the Wizard had told him so. When Maxïmo Park had gone to Barry for help in the beginning of their adventure, he had taken Archis aside and told him that when they needed to escape, Archis could play his bass and the dragon would roll over like a dog. And Barry’s advice had worked.

Paul & Lukas, seeing an opening, hit the dragon.hard. Right on his tum-tum. Paul jumped onto the dragon’s stomach and kicked it really really hard, while Lukas chopped the same area equally hard.

Now, in case you didn’t know, a dragon’s stomach is very very soft & very very squishy. It’s the only spot on the dragon where you can do any harm. So, obviously, the impact of the two park boys hitting the very very soft and very very squishy part of the dragon really really hurt. He had a horrible tummy-ache for some time after.

Archis gasped, and stopped playing his beautiful black bass geetar. The dragon rolled back onto his stomach, oohing & aahing & owing.

“Oh no!” cried Archis, “What’d you do that for?!”
“What’d you mean ‘What’d you do that for’?!” questioned Paul, “He’s the dragon! What’d you think we’d do, take him out and buy him a nice dinner!?”
“We could have just ran off! You didn’t have to hurt him!”
“Yeah!” cried the dragon in pain, “What would I have done?!”
“You’re the fuccking dragon!” yelled Han, “You would’ve eaten us!”
“How do you know?!? You don’t know my diet! You don’t know what I eat! But anyways, that still really hurt!”
“Oh, poor dragon!” cried Archis, running towards the beast.
“Oh, fucking gig, leave him alone! Let’s just go!” yelled Han.

Han, Paul, Duncan, Tom & Lukas all ran towards the bridge over the moat, but Archis stayed with the dragon.

“Oh, are you all right, dragon?” asked Archis sincerely.
“I have a name, you know.” replied the dragon, obviously hurt yet still cold and blunt.
“What is it, then?” asked Archis sweetly.
“Ross.” replied Ross.
“Oh, that’s a nice name. I bet you’re really a nice dragon, aren’t you?”
“Yes, I am! I’m just so lonely…You can imagine how lonely one would get when everyone you’ve ever met has gone running away, screaming in fear! That’s why I kept Han locked in a tower — I just wanted some companionship. I don’t normally eat people or burn them alive, either. I just hate it when people try to sneak up on me or take things that belong to me. Especially without asking! That’s why I killed all those musicians trying to get Han. They were trying to take my only company away! Maybe if they had just asked, I would have been nicer. Even if Han had asked to leave, I probably would have let her.” finished Ross, with a sweet, sincere tone to his voice.
“You cunt! No you wouldn’t have!” yelled Han.
“How would you know?!?” cried the dragon, with a tone suggesting he could burst into tears at any moment. “Did you ever ask to leave?!?”
“…no…” was Han’s quiet riposte.
“I would’ve let you go!” cried Ross, bursting into tears.
“There, there…” said Archis, hugging and consoling the poor dragon. “We forgive you, don’t we guys?”
“Oh..sure!” said Tom, more cherry and chipper than one should be in a situation like this (but that’s just Tom for you — wht a phreak!).
“Okay, al’right.” said Duncan.
“Sure, why not?” said Lukas.
“FUCKING HELL! Yeah right I forgive him!” screamed Han. “He killed all my rescuers after locking me up in a tower! That’s not easily forgiven, you know!”
“Oh but he’s really sorry! Aren’t you, Ross?” Said Archis.
“Yes, please forgive me, Han! I promise to never do it again!” pleaded the dragon.
“Oh…” Han started, but looked around at all the pretty rockstars with faces begging her to forgive him, she gave in.
“All right, all right, I forgive you. But you better not do it again! Arse…”
“Oh, thank you!” cried Ross with glee, “Oh, Han, wait right there! I’ve got something you’ll like!” the dragon said before running inside. A minute later he came back out with a fair-sized bottle, filled to the brim with a some sort of brown liquour. You could tell what it was becuase it had a label with written on it in big, bolg font “SOME SORT OF BROWN LIQUOUR”.

“For you, Han! Thank you for forgiving me!”
“Oh! Is this what I think it is?!” Han asked, with an ecstatic look on her face.
“…Sure! Enjoy!” replied Ross.

Han thanked Ross deeply, and Paul eyed the bottle when Ross handed it to her, but she tucked it away in her pocket.

“We’d better get going.” said Paul. “We’ve got to catch a plane back to Newcastle.”
“Al’right!” said Ross.
“Oh, Ross!” said Tom, coming up to him, “I think I’ve got something for you!” he said, pulling something plastic out of his left pocket and handing it to Ross. “I always carry a spare around with me, and today it’s come in handy!”
“..What’s this?” Ross asked, unfolding it.
“No, no, don’t do that! Wait until you’re alone.” said Tom, winking at Ross.
“Well, let’s getting going!” said Paul.

The dragon said goodbye to everyone, and everyone said goodbye to the dragon. They got on the plane and went back to The Castle of New. For saving her, Han signed the band to her label, and they all lived happily ever after!

THE
END